Monday, 12 March 2012

Cocky Krissy is a Cock and My Nurse Didn't Know What Your Spleen Does

I throw my hands up and admit that Chemo has royally punch-fucked me in the anus. Today is the best that I've felt in a week and even now I still can barely muster the energy to walk to the top of the stairs. I feel like I'm on a permanent sugar rush at the moment, shaky and tingly. It turns out Chemo is a slow burner on my body and being the ultimate arrogant twat that I am, I travelled to Birmingham for "super reunion" last week and although I adored seeing my lovely friends, in hindsight it was a mistake.
The sore mouth I spoke about in the last post subsided nicely and evolved into jaw ache. I had Ozzy Osbourne jaw; the jaw of a man who has been gurning for 40 years. I was downing the codeine like no tomorrow to no real results. It was a dull, throbbing ache that moved through my jaw to my ears and up to my temples. This lasted Tuesday and Wednesday and on Thursday that's when the stomach fucked up. I knew this was going to be one of the worst side effects because my stomach has always been a carefully balanced eco-system of pickled onion Monster Munch, Twirls and Coke. Chemo was bound to destroy the good thing we all had going down there. Home wrecker.
The trip itself was great though, I arrived in Brum on Tuesday full of optimism and naivety. I thought I had gotten away lightly on the first round of Chemo. I met my beautiful friend Ellie in town where she whisked me back to the house to see the rest of the gang; Jaimee, Natalie, James, Marco, Mike (Migs), Brad and Kay and Georgia would be arriving on Wednesday. I knew I had the greatest friends in the world because the first question they asked me was "What do you want us to cook you for dinner?". Sweet Moses. My friend Natalie is an amazing cook and is half American, quarter Japanese and quarter German (we call her the Triad of Evil/Germ-Jap-Yank-Swede/Nat) and why this doesn't really relate to why she's such a good cook, I just wanted to point out what an interesting ethnic mix that is. My friend Migs is also one with the ingredients so they both set to work making 3 different types of jerked chicken, several rice dishes and corn on the cob. Jaimee prepped everything and I sat on my fat arse as everybody else contributed in one way or another. I didn't but I can't because I have cancer, ok? Dinner was a predictable triumph followed by banana and strawberry smoothies blended by Ellie and Migs. I went to bed a happy lady and woke up the following day with dirty jaw ache. I had arranged to meet a whole other bunch of people that evening so I persevered. We decided that we would take a trip to hospital on Thursday though to sort  me out with some Tramadol for the pain and some thrills. We went into town to the Victoria and had a couple of drinks with some more familiar faces. It was so nice to see everyone but I was terrible company as I could barely focus on what was going on as the pain was occupying most of my conscious mind. One of the people I saw there was fuckin' creative badman Pete. He drew this for me recently:

If you're visually dyslexic or just stupid, this is me kicking the shit out of my cancer demon. It's really good isn't it? This is why I love uni, it brings people who can do cool stuff like this into your life.

Thursday I woke up and cried for an hour just because I felt like it and "the ozzy jaw" was really grinding my gears. Georgia made me scrambled eggs and Migs made me a sausage sandwich (I know, my friends are sick) and then I slowly began to crumble. Jaimee dropped me and Georgia at the spaceship hospital and I ran in with my arms above my head screaming "HELP ME I HAVE CANCER AND IT HURTS". By this I mean I meekly wandered over to the information desk and whispered that I was having Chemo and felt a little "off". This hospital is huge and really does look like a spaceship. See for yourself:

Reminds me of Independence Day for some reason. This is only part of it you see it's rather large and we were in the wrong section, so they sent a little bus over to drive us round the other side to A&E. I like to think of myself as a hospital aficionado these days, I've been all over; Leeds, London, Kent and Birmingham. I know a good hospital with competent staff and Birmingham was pretty terrible. A&E was like going into the fag break room of a tampon factory in 1985. The woman behind the window was definitely an idiot, she asked me for all my details 5 or 6 times, neglecting to care that I was a cancer patient that was close passing out. I had to kneel on the dirty floor to talk to her on her tiny chair, through the tiny little hole in the apparently soundproof glass. Georgie and I then sat there while a decidedly incestuous looking family slept on the seats opposite. I was rather worried at that point, not about any potential Deliverance "squeal little pig" activity with the Leatherfaces but because my immune system is so terrible (chemo kills your white blood cell count) and waiting rooms are breeding grounds for MRSA.

A nurse came and called me in, at least she looked like a nurse. She attempted to take my blood pressure several times and failed. This is not a good sign. Then Georgie asked her what a standard blood pressure for me should be and she replied, "Well, we can only do something about the top number...or the bottom number. I can't remember". What? Well, as long as she doesn't write it down using her own faeces, I'm sure it was just a blip in her competence. She led us to a little cubicle where we waited for ages to be seen by a doctor. He was a lovely young man and was awfully helpful and complimentary,
"Did they tell you you have a large spleen?"
Why no they didn't mister doctor man but thank you. He told me that everything seemed fine and it was probably just chemo messing with me but he would do a blood test to check my haemoglobin. So the nice doctor (he really was nice this is coming off as sarcastic) left and the weather beaten, blue eye-liner wearing "nurse" came in to take my blood. Georgie and I looked at each other both aware that there was a 50/50 she would give me HIV. "Oh whoopsie you're supposed to use a needle per person aren't you?". It wasn't that dire but she was still tragic. Intrigued by the big spleen observation I asked,
"What does your spleen do?" to which she replied
"Oh...well...I don't know. I know you can live without it".
Excellent. Let's hope the folk sorting out the NHS reforms have not met this bitch. The most bizarre thing was that she seemed like a senior nurse. Not a sister but she was decorated like a soldier with these tiny gold badges. Probably if I'd checked closer they would have read "25m Swim" and "Junior Swim Challenge". Impostor. She took my blood and then couldn't find the wad to cover the injection site.She left the needle in me and made Georgia open an antiseptic wipe and shoved that on my wound. Yes it stung, she's a fucking retard. Jaimee and Ellie came and the bloods were normal so they gave me some Tramadol for the pain. The"nurse" before administering the drug gave this statement,
"I don't want to scare you but if you take this it might make you feel like your dying"
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, when I took it I felt weird and terrible. I took it again and felt the same so be careful".
You probably went "weird and terrible" because it was interfering with the heavy dosage of THORAZINE you should be on. Here's me, Georgia and Ellie at the hospital.Observe me in despair at the "nurse":


I felt better by the evening but couldn't muster the energy for a night out so we sat in, ate and watched Drive. I need to reiterate how lovely all my friends were while I was there, doing anything and everything they could. This is again where cancer isn't so bad because I realise how lucky I am to have a family outside of the blood related kind. They really took care of me and I love them very much. Go on be sick and roll your eyes I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
Friday came and I felt like shit, I especially felt shit because I decided to stuff three Twirls down my throat. I really wasn't well and felt sad because I couldn't enjoy my last moments with my friends. Ellie came in the taxi to town with me and carried my suitcase to the station. When I walked in I felt pretty sick. Oh god I was going to be sick. Moor Street has no readily available toilets but luckily Georgia had packed me a sick bag "just in case". I proceeded to throw up a Sainsbury's bag full of Twirly sick. Ellie's definitely a keeper, she picked it up and hid it behind a sign. I felt better and waved goodbye to Birmingham ready to kill myself at the thought of getting on the tubes. The train journey was fine but the tubes was grim. Instead of sitting on the seats I plonked my suitcase by the doors and sat on it because my mind wasn't working properly. I looked really ill, I hadn't looked in the mirror but the looks on people's faces said it all. I got back to Tunbridge Wells at five and collapsed on my bed for the next two days with severe stomach ache. It sent me the lowest I'd been, even when the pain had lessened I felt depressed. I didn't want to do anything but felt restless. I put on Sex and the City to live Samantha's cancer journey and that pulled me out of it a bit.
I don't know what I was expecting from Chemo but I have definitely underestimated the grip it has on my body. I watched Kylie's post-cancer 2006 interview (I'm fascinated by all things celebrity-cancer related now) and she said that during Chemo, making it to the corner shop was an achievement so I think getting to and from Big Ham was pretty decent. I won't be doing it again, ever. I've learnt my lesson the hard way.

In other news, I'm having Chemotherapy on my 21st birthday. Jealous?

Big Love x

4 comments:

  1. Great entry.. made me laugh out loud.. especially the references to the nurse writing the results in feces and comparing the unit to a 1985 fag room of a tampon factory! Hope sex and the city is doing you well xxx

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    1. hahaha she was a silly bitch though wasn't she georgetta, glad you enjoyedddd. lots of loveee xxxx

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  2. Awesome. Tampon Factory... I'll pass that on to the sister of A&E... hilarious!!! x

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  3. hahaha be sure to send my regards! x

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