Monday, 19 March 2012

Moulting Season and Jinxes

It's not coming out in huge amounts yet but it is definitely the beginning of the end of my hair. I'm surprisingly at ease with the whole thing. I think that's because I've had so long to get used to the idea now and in comparison to the other side effects that you get, hair loss is the least painful and doesn't physically stop you from leaving the house. I'm trying not to brush or wash it too much and wear it up as much as possible as this seems to keep the hair loss to a minimum for now. I've got two cheapie wigs from eBay at the moment, one of them I had from Halloween last year where I wanted to go as Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. It's black and actually suits me which is bizarre considering that good words used to describe my skin tone would be "translucent" or "bordering on albino". This one does slightly make me look like a Ukranian call girl, she will be called Svetlana. Spasiba. The other one is the same sort of style but I light brown/red colour which is pretty close to my actual hair colour, however this one sits a little peculiarly so I'm going to have to whack a hat on it to avoid that "wiggy" look. I give my hair between 1-2 weeks before it becomes too thin to even wear up. Then I'm probably going to buzz cut it all off, well not me but somebody who owns a set of clippers and will be able to do it without scalping me.
I think I'm going to be more of 'that girl who ALWAYS wears hats' as opposed to 'that girl who's wearing a wig'. I don't know how comfortable I'm going to be wearing the wig on its own for fear of it flying off into the wind and I'm stood there looking like this fella.
I went to Brighton the other day for a wonderful day out with my friend Vicky. When I was there I bought a few hats, bandannas and scarves so I'm pretty excited to practice with them all so I can find my 'look'. I'm hoping I'll look as fly as this bitch:
But in reality, it'll be closer to this... especially when it starts to grow back.
This is the one of the last photos of me with a full head of hair. Yes, I took it myself. Yes, I feel like a dick but it needed to be done.

As time goes on and I start to become terribly involved with the whole thing, you'll probably see me bouncing around town in an Afro relying on in my cancer safety net to save me from "who the fuck is that crazy white bitch". To be honest I don't think even the cancer card can excuse that kind of behaviour.

This week has been a good week side effects wise. The worst I had was shaking hands last Monday. This was a little frustrating as I was learning to knit and my temporary Parkinson's was preventing me from perfecting me knit 2, purl 2 technique. I'm knitting a bad ass scarf at the moment as it turns out I can knit like an OG's nan. This is another one of those silver lining parts of the cancerous cloud. I get to do all these things that you constantly put off learning or doing due to being to busy with procrastinating with your uni work. I feel like all this spare time I have when I'm not nursing side effects should be used to do something productive. It was Chemolicious Friday once again on the 16th and I went with Adele and Sean. It was pretty hilarious and the D of ABVD didn't even hurt that much this time so I am feeling very grateful. I found my perfect rate of 700 which means it doesn't hurt as much and only takes 15 minutes longer than the half an hour PAINFUL rate. There isn't a whole lot to tell at the moment of Chemo and effects. I felt a little pooped on Friday but didn't need to sleep, then Saturday felt completely normal, well enough to go out and attempt to get trashed for St Patrick's day with Sean and Joe. It was a really good night but I think my tolerance for alcohol has gone way up so even getting a little squiffy was difficult to achieve. Sunday was the same, no hang over but I started to get mouth twinges meaning battery acid saliva is on its way. The Difflam should sort it out though hopefully.
On Saturday morning, my good friend Livvi came over and gave all her make up artist tips teaching me to draw in the eyebrows if they go and helping me to look like a well person with wonderful make up tricks. She really knew how to make me look good and if I could afford to have her do my make up for the duration of Chemo and life, I would. She gave me a little goodie bag full of stuff to help me do it myself and already it has made my eyebrows look better than they ever have! Thank you Livvi, you are my angel.

I'm starting to get uncharacteristically superstitious about everything. My friend Emily called me the other day and suggested that we go to New York in September for a proper 21st Birthday. I was so excited as this is THE trip that I have wanted to take since I was 12. I was really excited and started Googling all the crap we're going to do, mostly involving eating and clubbing but then all of a sudden I began to get a little nervous. What if the cancer isn't gone by September? I have been positive from the outset that I'm going to get through it but I feel like making too many plans for the future will inflict some nasty jinx. I don't even like saying  that I am already a quarter of the way through of my treatment because it might not be. After the next month of treatment I will go for another PET scan to see if there are any active cancer cells. A PET scan is very similar to a CT scan. They are both shaped like a giant doughnut and you get wheeled back forth through it for 20 minutes. They inject you was radioactive glucose which makes all the cancerous cells light up because they love a bit of sugar does our cancer. I'm counting down the days until I have this scan and simultaneously dreading it. It could go either way, a complete 50/50. It's either not there or at least shrinking the mass or it's still there and possibly spread. I really don't know what I would do if it was the latter. Everything I say about finishing treatment is always sneakily followed by a tap on wood. If all goes to plan the final treatment date will be 08/06/2012 but I really don't like thinking about it.

This post is all over the place but I think that's probably an accurate reflection on how my mind is working at the moment. Good God so many emotions so little time.


  1. Was away from the computer for most of last week so missed the latest posts...loved the nurse's badges, plus am enjoying all your visual jokes in the latest couple of posts. Most impressed you have started knitting, it is having something of a moment so us knitters are now uber-trendy rather than, as for so many years, the polar opposite. Writing still great despite all the tough stuff you're going through, it doesn't read as "all over the place" at all.

    1. Thank you! I really love knitting, I'm desperate to learn how to do socks but it seems wayyy too hard atm. You'll have to give me some tips. So glad you're still enjoying the blog, always love to hear from you x

  2. Peter Pan aint got nothing on you, you'll beat his devilish looks standing on your head. Really proud of you Kristina, your writing is gripping and I get annoyed finishing the end of an entry (maybe write a book so I can feed this addiction?.)

    You're so beautiful my fellow Arien, I wish I could be with you for the big two one, keep strong and you'll whip Cancer to shreads. Thinking of you a lot my wee lady. Miss you very much


    1. Oh Maz! Me and Pan are running in very close circles as I cut all my hair off on Friday. Hope you have a wonderful 21st also and I will be thinking of you. Miss you and lots of love xxxx

  3. Hey kristina! It's senna/senice here if you remember me! Your blog posts caught my eye on Facebook and started reading and totally addicted to you now haha and looking forward to your updates to see how u get on! You have such a bizarre positive attitude that I adore!and I love how you preparing for this hair loss situation and how you will still be looking good despite it happening ! Keep going and I will be reading your posts from now on as faithfully as a Muslim goes to mosque :) take care!!! Xxx

    1. Awh thank you Senna it's lovely to hear from you. Keep reading and enjoy! xxx